Conflict Management

Diagnosing What to Do

Decide on your position. Which of the statements most accurately describes your posture during this conflict management?

If what you are telling yourself is:	Then you want to:
"Hmmm. I am neutral on that or don't see it as an issue. I need to think about it.”	DISCOVER
"The other person seems upset and I want to bring him back to a good place."	PLACATE
"I am sure of my position and need to establish my authority to make it happen."	ADVOCATE
"I know what I want but am interested in hearing the other person and working through it."	COLLABORATE
“Yikes. This will be disastrous if we take it any further.”	AVOID

DISCOVER

“Hmmm. I am neutral on that or don't see it as an issue.
I need to think about it.”

Your objective:

Learn enough to decide whether it should be avoided or worked through.

Assumptions:

It may be a real issue for the other person so you are willing to take it seriously.

How to PROCEED:

Think "questions." Do some asking to get at the issues.
Determine the source of the problem.
Decide on any other approach for next step, based on findings.

PLACATE

"The other person seems upset and
I want to bring him back to a good place."

Your objective:

Help the other person feel better and save any relationship damage.

Assumptions:

You are ready to listen and empathize.
You can accept that it is not about you.
You are willing to give up some of your control.
After this step, another method may be appropriate.

Check your demeanor:

Check your level of assertion to determine if you need to crank it up (have some guts) or tone it down.

How to PROCEED:

Let him/her vent.
Speak reflective words.
Move it forward to problem solve.
Close with reassurance or recap.

ADVOCATE

"I am sure of my position and need to establish
my authority to make it happen."

Your objective:

Get the problem resolved without harming the relationship.

Assumptions:

You have the authority.
You are pretty sure that compromising is not an option for you.
You are ready to take it head-on by looking at it as "business."

How to PROCEED:

Check your aggression level. You do not want to roll over someone, or (opposite) not get the message across.
Listen to others' input. Listen to learn.
State your decision.
Use helpful statements such as, "Your participation is appreciated. Thanks. I have decided to make the decision and it is ..."
Check for clarity from the other person. Give him the last word.

COLLABORATE

"I know what I want but am interested in hearing the other person and working through it."

Your objective:

Work through it together.

Assumptions:

You have enough energy to get through it.
You are ready to turn on your listening skills and work the problem.
You know there may be some compromising.

How to PROCEED:

Begin with a cooperative statement such as "I would like to step through both our points of view and see what sticks out as best options for solving this."
Allow the other person to describe what was happening and how it is affecting him.
Then you share what you feel has happened and how it has affected you.
Then state, "Based on what we both see here, are there any obvious answers?"
Come to an agreement and bring it to closure.

Note: the last step makes several assumptions about the converation that has transpired. These approaches only get you as far as diagnosing the situation and assuming an easy route to resolution.

AVOID

“Yikes. This will be disastrous if we take it any further.”

Your objective:

Avoid a conflict interaction and let it just go away.

Most appropriate when:

        The source of the conflict is about differing values.
        The resolution would be out of your control.

Assumptions:

You KNOW this is the most tempting approach but you have the smarts to think through this and you know you are not avoiding it simply because it may be uncomfortable. (this is important)
The issue is a stand-alone and avoiding it will not lead to a recurrence.

How to PROCEED:

Simply choose not to engage.
If they are venting, listen with empathy and offer a reassuring comment, but go no further than that.
If the other person is persistent, consider a statement like "I realize you are upset. I think keeping this as an issue would be detrimental to our relationship, which I value."

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